Tears

Sometimes tears can come at the strangest times. I can go through spells of activity which, at other points in my life, have induced plenty of sadness- yet shed not a single drop. Then at the most unexpected moment my eyes well up.

That happened tonight. I was at our church Christmas concert. It was absolutely gorgeous. Beautifully decorated, poignant messages and a choir and orchestra that spilled out the best of the season. At the end of the concert they invited the congregation to stand and sing a variety of Christmas carols. My heart full of joy, I stood and belted out the words.

Then "it" happened. I literally felt my face crumple. As the music trailed away, I did my best to leave the building with as much dignity as possible and sobbed the whole way home.

You see a year ago singing these songs was probably the happiest redhead in the world. I had recently learned of my pregnancy, and nothing could dampen my spirits. I remember the exhiliration of singing "Joy to the World." I felt it!

Seven days after New Years, three short days after my 28th birthday, I lost that baby. Thus the tears.

For all who cry, I cry with you. Christmas, although a time for joy, can often bring tears as well.

HSG

I had the glorious opportunity to look at my uterus and fallopian tubes today. I realize that not everyone is so lucky as to know the shape of their inner parts like I am.
My tubes are kind of squiggly- and they are long! (Well, probably no longer than anyone else's, but the dye goes for a really long time before it reaches the end). When you see pictures of these things, you just see pear shaped uterus, two stick-y things coming out on either side, and some ovaries. With the HSG, the uterus looks more like a triangle, and the fallopian tubes remind me a bit of pieces of yarn.
I asked for a picture (everyone else gets to have pictures of their ultrasounds, why can't I have a picture of my uterus?) but apparently they don't do that. So, you have to use your imagination (actually, don't. Really not all that exciting).
Anyway that was my very exicting day.

the flames

Yesterday we attended a Calgary Flames hockey game. Kurt's work has season tickets and the seats are right on ice level next to the away team bench. Though the view isn't always ideal (being so low, and with the players standing up) I really gained an appreciation for the speed at which the players moved and the amount of effort and emotion that went into the game.

My SIL Andrea and nephew Jackson were also at the game, so we were able to meet up there. Although we didn't win the game (3-2 Nashville) we had a great time!

Four Things

Things you may not have known about me.....
A) Four jobs I have had in my life:
1. Babysitter Extraorinaire
2. Parts delivery girl
3. Nursing on a pediatric unit
4. Ceramic pottery shop
B) Four movies I would watch over and over:
1. The Castle
2. While you were sleeping (one of the ultimate chick flicks)
3. Billy Elliot
4. Catch Me if You Can
C) Places I have lived (5):
1. Whitewood SK
2. Winnipeg MB
3. Medicine Hat AB
4. Calgary AB
5. In an apartment where the bathroom in the suite upstairs was directly above our bedroom. Every night when we climbed into bed, we fell asleep to the soothing sound of the guy upstairs peeing.
D) Fours shows I love to watch:
1. American Idol (I'm a sucker!)
2. Seinfeld reruns
3. Friends (I'm not so original)
4. Anything that makes me laugh
E) Four places I have been on vacation:
1. Armstrong BC
2. England (thanks auntie Sue)
3. Florida
4. New York New York!
F) Websites I visit daily:
1. Fertility Friend (very criptic about what that site refers to, haha)
2. US Centre for Disease Control
3. Yahoo (gotta check those e-mails)
4. Environment Canada
G) Four favourite foods:
1. Thai food
2. Mummy Wraps (very authentic Egyptian food- or not- , if you're ever in Calgary you HAVE to try it)
3. Always pasta!
4. Cheese, crackers and dill pickles
H) Where I would rather be right now:
1. At home under the covers reading a book
2. Florida!
3. Europe
4. Shopping

wooho

Today is the day!!! New floors for us! We gleefully threw out our old ratty carpet last night, not shedding a single tear. And now as I type, we are having our beautiful hardwoods installed. I will post pics (Just 'cause I won't be able to stop looking at my bee-uitiful floors).

Woo Hoo!!!

Long Live the Long WeekEnd

The week-end we all dread but love. It marks the beginning of regular schedules and the inevitable cold. Yet when you boil it all down, it's a long week-end!

For those who live in Calgary, you will know that the weather here is less than predictable. Or, rather, it can be predictably bad. The May long is notoriously known for the dump of snow that we receive. Canada Day is typically rained out. And there's no telling what might happen on the Heritage Day long week-end. However, September in Calgary is gorgeous. This week-end is no exception. With highs hovering from 27-29 degrees Celsius, life is good.

I had the pleasure of hanging-out with my SIL Brenna yesterday. We popped in and out of stores in Cochrane (just north of Calgary). They were packed full of quaint collectibles that must be looked at. I would recommend the experience to anyone. And don't forget to top off your experience with famous Cochrane ice-cream!

PIRATES!!!

Well, Kurt and I ventured out with our nephews today. When asked their preferences Jackson and Jordan unequivocably wanted to watch Pirates of the Carribean.
So off we went, purchased our very healthy theatre pizzas, and settled down to watch 2hours and 30 minutes of Jack Sparrow staggering around.
Actually, it was very enjoyable. It has a great story line, enough laughs to keep you going, and left (most of) us ready for me. Despite its length, it held the attention of 9 and 6 year old boys!!
The only drawback for me was that it was quite gruesome at times, and I had to turn my head away on a couple of scenes. But, I suppose, what do you expect from a shipload of pirates!!!
All I can say is, "I want my dirt!"

Wedding Pictures

These are some pictures from the Wedding of Allan and Katie Eisses. Enjoy!

I have to admit

That I am feeling discouraged.

I realize that I haven't been trying half as long as many people, but I'm sick and tired of this. We did an IUI with clomid this month, and against all odds, I've been pretty positive. I think that is what has kept me going through what would have otherwise been a very difficult month. But my temps just aren't staying up there, and I know that this month isn't going to work.

Why why why why why!?!?!?!?

I really do just want to be like eveyone else. I want a little baby that I can call my own and take home with me at the end of the evening. I want to make my husband a dad- he's going to be such an amazing one.

Why did I get to be the one who has to be told to be patient, that my time will come, that I need to be happy for others, that it's just a matter of time, that everyone has their struggles, that God's timing will be perfect, that this is just making me into a better mom, that I need to embrace others' happiness, that I'm stronger than I think... Please God, I want a baby so bad.

Thanks for listening to my ramblings.

Linoleum

I just want to remind myself that if I ever decide to save some money on a house sometime down the road not to save it on lino.
I can't believe the amount of effort involved in pulling that stuff up. If you've done it before, you know exactly what I mean. If you've never done it, words can't explain.
Enough said.
:)

Discouraged

I've been feeling a little edgy today, and then I just realized that PMS is setting in. If that's the case, I'm not pregnant. It's been 27 months since we started trying for a baby, 8 months since we lost the one we loved so much, and the road appears endless from here.

I was being so positive, and then it all just hit me. Here we go again...

It's been a busy couple of weeks. To briefly outline:

1) We received the amazing news that we are going to have a niece or nephew on March 23, 2007. Grant and Brenna are expecting.

2) I memorialized the date that my precious baby was supposed to be born- August 8, 2006. I've felt a little since that I am able to move forward now.

3) We had our first true fertility procedure done August 10, and are waiting out the results (to come sometime around August 25)

4) My youngest sister got married to an fabulous guy by the name of Allan Eisses on August 12. The wedding was beautiful. I hope to post pictures before long.

5) We have begun the arduous job of removing our main floor lino and carpet for new hardwood floors. Let's just say that the end result better be worth it!!!

Anyway, that's my life in a nutshell. Feeling slightly overwhelmed, but very good. I love the feeling of moving forward!

Well, here's my first foray into the world of blogging. Slightly nervous, but pretty exciting. I've read some other people's blogs lately, and I've really enjoyed the window into their lives. And often these are people who I've known all my life- but apparently don't know as well as I thought.
Anyway, please expect more posts to follow.