Sometimes tears can come at the strangest times. I can go through spells of activity which, at other points in my life, have induced plenty of sadness- yet shed not a single drop. Then at the most unexpected moment my eyes well up.
That happened tonight. I was at our church Christmas concert. It was absolutely gorgeous. Beautifully decorated, poignant messages and a choir and orchestra that spilled out the best of the season. At the end of the concert they invited the congregation to stand and sing a variety of Christmas carols. My heart full of joy, I stood and belted out the words.
Then "it" happened. I literally felt my face crumple. As the music trailed away, I did my best to leave the building with as much dignity as possible and sobbed the whole way home.
You see a year ago singing these songs was probably the happiest redhead in the world. I had recently learned of my pregnancy, and nothing could dampen my spirits. I remember the exhiliration of singing "Joy to the World." I felt it!
Seven days after New Years, three short days after my 28th birthday, I lost that baby. Thus the tears.
For all who cry, I cry with you. Christmas, although a time for joy, can often bring tears as well.
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I was born, well, a few years ago, and one of my identifying features has always been my red hair. For example "Oh, you know, the redhead," or "you mean the girl with red hair!" Yep, that's me... and I do have thoughts beyond the color of my hair. I'm planning for this to sort of be my outlet. Everything from everyday life to the struggles and joys that I experience. A way to sort out the world around me. If you stumble across this site, please enjoy a few thoughts by a redhead.
3 comments:
I left a whole long comment, but couldn't get it to post. poo.
anyways... i love you. my comment was about our prayers and desires actually being our gods and God being jealous. I don't know if that's where you're at, but if i was in your shoes, i know i'd be there. allan and i pray for you everynight. i love you.
I'm so sorry for your loss. The holidays are just hard when you're struggling with infertility. I hope that the new year will bring you reason to celebrate.
I lost my little girl a year ago November (12wks) and am in a similar position as you...celebrating the holidays as a family of two when things should have been so different. I know somewhere in my heart that God grieves with us, even though most days I'm still not sure what that looks like in a practical and physical sense. I pray that your church is one that you can be free to express your God-given emotions and that you are surrounded by love and support in the midst of grief and uncertainty. Blessings to you.
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